


eight ways to say I LOVE YOU.

by fauchevalent



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: F/M, based on a tumblr post bc of course it is, i love my kids and this is fun, vaguely mentions lucaya but only bc i can't ignore the canon too badly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 16:41:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9245285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauchevalent/pseuds/fauchevalent
Summary: "why don't you just call her?" lucas presses, a grin sliding across his face as he lets his head loll back against his sheets.zay gives him a look in lieu of a reply, a look that he hopes conveys all the reasons that's a bad idea, starting with 'she's in love with you' and crossing all the points down to 'she's still hurting right now.'so you chose, zay doesn't say, doesn't mean everyone else agrees.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i don't own/am not affiliated with gmw!

_Spit it into her voicemail, a little slurred and sounding like the shot whiskey you downed for courage. Feel as ashamed as you do walking into work in last night’s clothes. Wake up cringing for days, waiting for her to mention it._

> it's one of the worst decisions he's ever made, zay decides, to listen to lucas friar. lucas, who had the world at his feet in texas and has it all again in new york, may not be the best and most reliable source of advice. but it's not until after zay takes it that he remembers this. they're sitting, leaned up against lucas's bed, toes curling into his carpet, when the idea is presented to him.  
> "why don't you just  _call her_?" lucas presses, a grin sliding across his face as he lets his head loll back against his sheets.  
>  zay gives him a look in lieu of a reply, a look that he hopes conveys all the reasons that's a bad idea, starting with 'she's in love with you' and crossing all the points down to 'she's still hurting right now.'   
>  _so_ you  _chose_ , zay doesn't say,  _doesn't mean everyone else agrees_.   
>  but lucas is still his best friend and he's still proud of him for getting the girl, so even if his best friend still thinks the world revolves around him and everyone else's choices come second to his, zay will forgive him that little thing.
> 
> it's exactly twenty-seven minutes later (he's been watching the time tick by, minute by minute, slow and quiet, via his cell phone. it's quickly becoming the only source of light in the room, every time it flickers to life again.) when lucas stands up, abruptly, and gives zay an appraising glance. "d'you want a drink?" he asks, and zay doesn't say anything, just raises an eyebrow, just hears _her_ voice in his head gasping and mumbling something about being underage. a little smile escapes his lips.   
> his inner riley sounds positively  _scandalized_.  
>  his lack of response has ended him up with a bottle of jack between his legs, half empty before it even arrives, and two dixie cups, placed on the floor beside lucas's rug. he chuckles. "how gentlemanly of you, luc'," he speaks up, holding his dixie cup aloft, "givin' your guests your  _finest china_."  
>  lucas snorts and pours them both a little, enough to swirl around their tongues but not so much as to even count as a shot. it burns a little going down zay's throat, but more because he's on the edge of a cold then anything. more silence passes after they've both swigged, and finally, after zay's checked his phone three more times, lucas nudges him.  
> "want another?"  
> he tries to look put upon, but a grin eeks out between his lips and zay has had just about a full shot by the time the moon is high in the sky. he and lucas are fiddling with the top of the bottle, taking turns picking off remaining bits of label, when lucas pipes up again.  
> "why don't you just call her?" he suggests, and maybe it's the bliss of the quiet hours of the night, or maybe it's the slight buzz of  _one whole shot_ , but zay finds himself tapping riley's contact and holding his phone to his ear.  
> he gets her voicemail and murmurs out something stupid.  
> never again is he listening to lucas friar.

_Sigh it into her mouth, wedged in between teeth and tongues. Don’t even let your lips move when you say it, ever so lightly, into the air. Maybe it was just an exhalation of ecstasy._

> it's a whole week and a half of tentative smiles and opposite sides of the couch at topanga's after what zay has dubbed 'the lucas incident.' he loves his best friend, he really does, but if he had thought about the repercussions, considered how he would flinch every time he and riley came to private conversation territory, he would've gave lucas a whack in the arm and gone to bed.  
> because that's the smart thing to do.  
> zay has spent too much of his life chasing girls to not know when one is interested in someone, and riley's loud, stilted conversations when maya settles into lucas's arms, her eyes flitting between him and lucas like a caged animal, tell him all he needs to know. riley's still getting over lucas, and he's too much of a southern gentleman to try and shove his way into her healing process.   
> besides, she still hasn't  _directly_ brought up his terribly awkward voicemail, so if he can get along without her ever? that's ideal.  
> at precisely the two week mark since the voicemail, zay becomes stuck. maya and lucas are on a date, leaving farkle, smackle, him, and riley in topanga's - unfortunately for him, smackle and farkle have  _also_ scheduled a date. or, a studious romantic evening, as smackle calls over her shoulder, tugging farkle out the door.  
> "so." riley murmurs, still on the opposing side of the couch, her fingers steepled in her lap.   
> "so." zay replies, his eyes on the ground.  
> before he knows it, riley is scooting across the couch in a move that he can only call absolutely adorable - her limbs are too long to be folded up the way they've been for two weeks, tucked in a corner, and she knows it. as soon as she's crossed the couch, her legs come tumbling down to hit the floor, stretching into his space. she almost falls. zay reaches an arm across her to steady her, and pulls away as soon as he realizes what he's done.  
> she catches his hand. "zay." her eyes are soft, but her mouth is pressed into a line. "what're we doing?"  
> it's just about now that zay realizes he can't give her a real answer, or at least one that doesn't sound stupid, so he does what any teenage boy would do.  
> he blames somebody else.  
> "nothing," he says, trying to ignore the way riley's eyebrows furrow at the word, "nothing, because i'm a good friend. i'm not gonna get in between whatever's still hurting you from lucas. that's your deal, riley, i don't want to hurt you anymore."   
> "so," riley begins, and her fingers are still wrapped around his wrist, "you realize lucas is dating  _maya_ , right?"  
> zay reddens but stands by his explanation. throw his buddy under the bus? yes please.  
> "it's not like it's not hurting you, sugar." he tells her, softly, the nickname slipping out of its own accord. riley lightens visibly at the word. "well,  _duh_ \- but i'm allowed to feel multiple things, zay babineaux."  
>  "nobody said you weren't, riley matthews." he fires back, and a little bit of him wonders if she's getting closer, or if that's just his nerves.  
> "well, good." riley says, and  _no she's definitely getting closer_ , because now she's standing up, and zay wonders if he's pissed her off, pushed her a little too far. "because i wanted to make sure you knew these were different feelings before i did this."   
> her lips are softer than zay could've imagined - a little piece of him makes a jibe about  _imagining this a lot, babineaux_? - and she tastes like the hot cocoa she was just nursing for an hour and a half. he slips his tongue between her lips, a little by accident, just a heat of the moment thing (he tells himself), but it's the same bliss that hit him when he was leaving a voicemail he hopes she deleted. it's a few seconds later, when she (accidentally?) falls onto his lap that they pull apart, grinning and really looking at each other for the first time in two weeks. "oh," is what he goes with, and riley bites her lip, blushing brightly. "i wanted you to know. that i  _sorta-kinda-liked you, in the funny way_ too." she murmurs, and zay buries his head in his hands. "please tell me you deleted that message."  
>  "nope." the p pops and riley lifts his chin to place a kiss on his cheek. "it makes me feel good, in the funny way." she murmurs, red as a tomato, and zay chuckles. "well, i'm here to help."

_Buy her flowers. Buy her chocolate. Buy her a teddy bear, because that’s what every romantic comedy has taught you. Take her out to a nice restaurant where neither of you feel comfortable and spend the whole night clearing your throat and tugging at your tie. Feel like your actions are more suited to a proposal than the simple confession of something you’ve always known._

> it feels more like a dream than anything when he's driving to a walgreens at eleven thirty at night, picking up her favorite chocolate (milky ways) because she texted that she felt awful. it's been a week since she kissed him, and no one's said anything about it, not even the two of them - in fact, zay can't mark _any_ differences, except that she prefers his side of the couch at topanga's now.   
>  as he's walking up to the register, a selection of stuffed animals on a rolling cart catches his eye. something about it just  _screams_ riley, and zay digs for a second in the bin before finding a little teddy bear, fluffy and adorable as anything, wearing a basketball jersey. it's no knicks bear, but it's very close - the jersey's orange and the front sports a little basketball in lieu of a logo. he tosses it on the counter along with the milky ways and a pack of gum for his glove compartment - bubblemint, the kind riley likes, but who's looking - and offer up the money for the whole thing. the bag smacks into his leg as he walks back to the car, and the whole thing strikes zay as kind of peaceful. it's nice, driving up to the matthews' and climbing up the fire escape, knowing that even though all the lights are out, she'll still be up. it feels oddly domestic to knock twice on her window because he shot her a text that said  _i'll be the one hitting twice, sugar <3 _and she sent back a string of heart emojis and then  _my southern gentleman_.   
>  when zay does, _hit twice_ , that is, riley is up like a shot, unlocking the window and settling against her pillows with a soft  _hmph_. it's unfair, really, that she's this cute, even when she feels awful - her hair is braided down her shoulders and she's sporting an oversized knicks jersey that earns a grin from him. "what?" she asks, furrowing her eyebrows. "do i look weird? i took a nap while i was waiting."  
>  "sugar, you always look adorable." he says, and she turns pink and beams.   
> "one delivery of chocolate," he says, tossing the bag onto her lap, "for the lady who feels  _awful_ -" she actually doesn't look sick at all, so zay emphasizes the word with a huge sigh, and she laughs. "hey!! i swear, i do. cramps are the  _worst_ , i don't just wanna see you." she pops open the bag and shoves a mini milky way into her mouth, and zay feigns annoyance. "you  _don't_? but i'm the cutest of the bunch, sugar. after you that is."  
>  she finishes her milky way and crawls toward him, wrapping him in a hug. "maybe i did wanna see you  _too_." she tells him, and zay feels like he's starring in his own rom-com, the way his heart bumps at the admission. "really?" he asks, and riley nods into his shoulder. "oh, i brought something else too." he pulls away and they both flinch a little at the loss of contact. "besides my  _sparkling personality_."  
>  "that was all i needed," riley murmurs into the dark, and zay chuckles, before reaching again for the walgreens bag and digging out the bear. "shut your eyes."  
> riley whines softly, and zay grins. "c'mon, don't you want my surprise?" riley beams and her eyes flutter shut. "yes! yes. of course. okay." zay wanders over, taking his time, before placing the bear in her lap, and riley's chest fills with a breath. "isaiah hank babineaux - "  
> " - still not my middle name - "  
> she continues on, unperturbed. "did you get me a  _teddy bear_?"   
>  for a second, he misinterprets her reaction, and can only offer a worried " _...yes_...?" as an answer, but then, riley's arms are around him and she's grinning and she's saying "you are the  _best boyfriend ever_ " into his ear, and zay grins and takes the praise.   
> until he realizes, her arms still thrown around his neck, "... _boyfriend_?"  
>  riley tenses. "um...  _yes_? is that - i know we didn't - i thought maybe, because, but. if you don't! we can, i swear i won't be -" she can't even finish a sentence, and zay pities putting her in this situation, but not so much that he won't needle her a little bit more.  
>  "mmm... i don't know, riley, it's a lot to ask of me." zay listens as she takes in a big breath and prepares herself for rejection. "i mean," he adds, fiddling with her braid, "asking me to be the boyfriend of a girl who's pretty, empathetic,  _and_ smart? what if i feel like she's  _too amazing_ , how do i even begin to tell her about that?" he feels riley relax against him and reply, "maybe you could just show her."  
> so he does.

_Whisper it into her hair in the middle of the night, after you’ve counted the space between her breaths and are certain she’s asleep. Shut your eyes quickly when she shifts toward you in askance. Maybe you were just sleep whispering._

> it's almost strange for zay to be the kid mr. matthews tells not to do anything too stupid to - mostly because he's heard tales of stolen shoes, and mr. matthews has not even threatened him once tonight. in fact, zay saw him smile when he told riley to  _be good and leave the door open_ , and when the rest of the family had all gone to bed, zay found himself grinning at his girlfriend as she fell across the couch dramatically. "that went... well?" he says, and she nods, reaching aimlessly into the air for him. he wanders over and interlaces their hands, watching as a few emotions play across her face, until finally, "i mean. he's never liked anybody i've dated. not that much. and he's letting you stay in my room!" riley pushes up onto her knees, so the two of them are nearly face to face. "how are you so perfect, isaiah babineaux?" he grins and helps her off the couch to start up the stairs. "ah, my momma just raised me right." he tells her, and she chuckles.  
> it's twelve am before they remember  _going to bed_ is a thing they have to do, before they turn off the steady stream of disney movies via riley's laptop and zay plugs his phone into her wall. they look at each other for a few seconds, awkward and quiet again, before zay says, "i don't have to change, if you're uncomfortable with that, sugar." riley shakes her head in an emphatic no.  
> "i'm fine! great with it! amazing!" she pulls off her shirt and zay freezes, just a second before she does. "oop. cool. that's. i did that." riley murmurs, and zay lays a hand across her stomach. he feels her tense up and watches her face redden again.   
> "it's fine, darlin'. but you gotta do what  _you're_ comfortable with, right?" riley nods, mute as zay's hand stays warm on her stomach. "so, what do you usually wear to bed?"  
> it takes riley half a minute to stop watching him in amazement and say, "you're really good at this," then shake that off and reply with a hasty, "er - usually a big sleep shirt. and underwear. but if you want, i can wear pants! jeans, even! a snuggie! footies!" she looks like she's going to keep listing things off, so zay stops her with a quick kiss and then murmurs, "whatever you want, riley."  
> she grins.  
> "did you know," she says, slipping out from beneath his hand and wandering to her bureau, "that i'm not even uncomfortable, not around you? it's not like i think you're going to ravish me unless i wear leggings, or something - here go the pants, watch out - i just feel, i don't know. nice. with you." zay does watch out for the pants, darting his eyes away until she starts speaking again, at which point riley is stretching her arms over her head to shimmy into a school spirit day shirt.   
> he grins. "ravish you?"  
> she flushes again and wanders over to him, toes curling into her carpet. "yes, isaiah.  _ravish me_. maybe you're just too much of a gentleman to ravish," she murmurs, kissing him soundly, and then continuing, "or maybe you're just the best boyfriend ever."  
>  "maybe," he agrees, "i'm a little of both."  
> by the time they've agreed on what zay's going to wear to bed -  _i don't think i want my dad coming in on you in your underwear,_ riley argues, and zay instantly agrees - they've worked out that he'll borrow a pair of sleep pants riley usually reserves for guests (maya, farkle, uncle josh, sometimes even auggie) for tonight. "and bring your own next time," riley decides.   
> "next time?" zay asks, pulling off his shirt, and riley grins from ear to ear in response. they sleep curled around each other - riley is the big spoon, why is he not surprised - and zay wakes up first, one of riley's arms tucked around his stomach. he turns so he can look at her and speaks fondly into her hair until she wakes up.

_Blurt it out in the middle of an impromptu dance party in the kitchen, as clumsy as your two left feet. When time seems to freeze, hastily tack on “in that shirt” or “when you make your award-winning meatballs” or, if you are feeling particularly brave, “when we do this.” Resume dancing and pretend you don’t feel her eyes on you the rest of the night._

> their friends know. so that's a thing that zay doesn't have to deal with anymore. not that he really felt he had to deal with it when it happened - riley had curled into his chair at topanga's beside him and he'd had a sip of her hot cocoa. it was like they forgot their friends hadn't been told - except for maya, of course, riley always told maya everything, this zay knew - and when they'd been questioned on the topic, riley had kissed his cheek and smiled proudly. so it wasn't like he'd had a rough go of it.  
> but it was still a weight off his shoulders, knowing how high they fell on the boyfriend/girlfriend scale - high enough to know the friends, even if they both shared the  _quote-on-quote_ 'friends,' and that made zay grin.  
> it was because of this easy (everything was easy with riley, he knew) transition that the two of them were celebrating. mr. and mrs. matthews, as zay could still not get past calling them, no matter how many times mrs. matthews insisted on  _topanga_ , were out on a date of their own, and auggie was at the morgenstern's for the night, so zay and riley had the house to themselves. they hadn't really  _planned_ anything, not beyond 'a celebration,' but riley grins as she opens the door and says "spaghetti?" so that's where the night is headed.  
> he kisses her and agrees, yes, spaghetti sounds great, and the two of them dig out the stuff to start sauce on the stove. riley starts forming meatballs off her grandmother's recipe while zay stirs things into the vat of tomatoes, and he turns and grins at her, watching as she focuses.  
> she catches his eye. "what?"  
> "nothing," zay insists, attempting to play it cool, and riley accepts the answer but gives him a fond glare as she digs in the cabinet for something. she produces a bottle of champagne, flat and probably awful, open and warm, and zay laughs. "i love you." he manages, between spurts, and riley freezes.  
> "what?"  
> time stops and he holds his hands placatingly in front of his chest. "...r crazy ideas." he tries, an attempt at a save, and riley's advancing on him, a little scarily. "what did you just say?" she asks, and he repeats himself, "i love your crazy ideas," as if that was what he meant all along.  
> "no." riley tells him, the bottle of champagne pressed against his chest and her open hand pressed against his cheek. "you better not have said that, isaiah hank babineaux."  
> he wisely stays silent on the subject of 'hank,' and riley narrows her eyes and presses closer to him, so they're standing chest to chest and toe to toe.   
> "you better not have said that," she repeats, "because you better have said  _i love you_."  
>  "what?"  
> she's wrapped around him, very much like a koala, and her eyes are warm and a little shiny with tears. "i  _said_ , you better have said  _i love you,_ zay, because i would hate to be the only one in love here."  
> he beams and a few tears fall from her eyes, accompanied by a "you  _putz_ ," which only gets a bigger grin out of him.  
> "yeah," he murmurs, wiping at her cheek, "but i'm  _your_ putz."  
> "yeah," riley agrees, "you are. but you're still a putz."  
> "i love you." zay says, because it's the first real time he's let himself say it, and because he thinks riley deserves that much. she grins and pokes him in the chest. "you better. putz."  
> he chuckles and kisses her cheek, carefully unwinding the champagne from her fingers. "i love you," he says again, because now he's going to keep saying it forever, and riley snorts. "i love you too." she says, watching him uncork the bottle and offer it to her, free of cups. "oh no, i -"  
> "what," zay grins, challenging, "not from the bottle?" she takes the unsaid dare and the bottle, sipping straight from the top and "oh god, that's awful."  
> he takes his own swig. "oh no, that's really disgusting, riley."  
> "i love you, but that is  _the worst_ champagne imaginable," riley mumbles, and zay replies with, "i love you, but that champagne tastes like it hasn't seen the light in  _years_ ," and they keep exchanging barbs about the champagne and i love you's until the timer goes off for the sauce.  
> "hey, riley?" zay says, as they're shoving the spaghetti into a pot that's far too small.   
> "yeah?"  
> "i love you."  
> "i love you too."

_Write her a letter in which the amount of circumnavigating and angst could rival Mr. Darcy’s. Debate where to leave it all day – on her pillow? In her coat pocket? Throw it away in frustration, conveniently leaving it face up in the trashcan, her name scrawled on the front in your sloppy handwriting. Let her wonder if you meant it._

> zay has never been good at anniversaries - not because he doesn't know what to get, but because he does, because he wants to do so much and always overdoes it. with riley, this is tenfold. he feels obligated to spoil her, like six months requires more than just the tiny, albeit expensive, necklace sitting in a gift bag on his desk.   
> ( it says r+z on a little silver pendant, and he smiles every time he remembers that he gets to give it to her. he imagines her reaction, imagines her wearing it everyday and fiddling with it in the way she fiddles with all her jewelry. )  
> this is what leads him to sitting on his bed, notebook pressed against the lid of his laptop, scrawling out different messages.  
> no matter what he does, he can't quite seem to get what he wants to tell her right - zay can't say he isn't good with  _words_ , that's not the issue, it's that he, like gifts, has too many to give. he can't fit all of the reasons he loves riley onto one notebook paper, can't squish all the things he thinks when he sees her in between these margins.  
> there's approximately thirty crumpled up pieces of paper in his trash bin, trying to accomplish this task.  
> his pen is drying from being open so long, and he wishes he could just figure out what to write and be happy with it.   
> his phone dings and he pauses in his arduous task to check it.
> 
> **_SUGAR <3: _**whatcha doin
> 
> he grins to himself. leave it to riley to know exactly when he needs to talk to her, even without having spoken to him all day.
> 
> _**BABEINEAUX ;):**_ nothing important  
>  ** _BABEINEAUX ;):_** hbu
> 
> he crumples up his current attempt.
> 
> **_SUGAR <3: _**watching terrible reality tv with farkle  
>  ** _SUGAR <3: _**he keeps saying things like 'i wish we could see the business behind it all'  
>  ** _SUGAR <3: _**save me???
> 
> he chuckles. of course farkle would want to watch the real business dealings of reality tv. the boy likes the weird stuff.
> 
> **_BABEINEAUX ;):_** course sugar  
>  ** _BABEINEAUX ;):_** just finishing something up gimme one sec
> 
> to her credit, the texts fall silent at this, and zay fills a whole page with a note to riley in under five minutes. it's sickeningly romantic and sweet, but then again, so is he, so is she, and so are they, so zay's pretty happy with the whole thing. he tosses it in an envelope, and he's already putting on his coat when he realizes the letter is still in his hands.  
> welp.  
> he doesn't have time to run back upstairs now, he promised a girl a save, so he shoves it in his pocket and heads off.   
> when he gets to the matthews' house, riley answers the door and yells "farkle, zay's here!"  
> farkle looks up from the couch and smiles. "heyo. that's my cue to  _go_." zay chuckles. "sorry, man," he sympathizes, "duty called."  
>  "i see how it is," farkle fakes offended, "i'm not exciting enough with my commentary on reality television. i see you'd prefer to make me leave than force me to watch these shows some more." farkle makes his exit and zay arches an eyebrow, wrapping his arms around riley.   
> "i thought you were the one being forced."  
> "i was the one enjoying it the least." riley reasons, and zay grins. "uh huh."
> 
> he spends the rest of the time until mrs. matthews gets home from court thinking of places to leave riley his note.  
> her door? too obvious. unsafe, too. people read things on riley's door.  
> her pillow? too specific. gives off a weird sexual vibe that zay doesn't want to force.  
> her closet? she's not liable to find anything in there.  
> her window? maya might find it.
> 
> when mrs. matthews gets home, she greets zay and riley and riley immediately escapes into her room, pulling zay behind her.  
> "okay, sugar." he quirks an eyebrow, "why are we hiding?"  
> "i'm not...  _hiding_ , exactly?" riley says, though it comes out more like a question.  
> "sure you aren't."  
> "well. okay, i am hiding. but it's because something awful has happened and i need to get to you before my parents do."  
> "what could've possibly happened?"  
> riley hums. "my mom got invited to a work party, for new year's eve,"  
> it's strange how zay had forgotten that the holidays were coming up in a few months, what with halloween not even passed by yet. he tunes back in.  
> "and now i'm worried!"  
> "what?"  
> "i'm worried something will go terribly wrong because you won't want to go!"  
> he's missed something. "of course i'll go, sugar." there's a moment before he adds, "where am i going?"  
> she thwaps him on the chest. "you're lucky i love you."  
> "i love you too. now where are you so worried about going?"  
> riley starts in again. "okay, so my mom got invited to a work party for new year's eve, and she's meant to 'bring her family,' or whatever, but she wants me to go and bring you and my mom is setting me up for failure because she  _knows_ i get nervous with all those lawyers around and - "  
> zay brings a hand around riley's shoulders. "hey, hey. it's alright. sounds like your mom's trying to  _not_ set you up for failure, sugar. she's trying to bring you a zay along." he gestures to himself and watches riley light up.  
> "hey. yeah! you're right! that's... actually really nice."  
> they both grin and zay presses a kiss to her forehead. "your mom's a really nice lady." he intones, and riley's grin widens.  
> mrs. matthews calls them down for dinner and riley's out the door like a lightning bolt. she peers back in and hums softly. "hey, zay?"  
> "mhm?"  
> "thanks. and i love you."  
> "i love you too, sugar."  
> she's out again, and zay briefly remembers the letter in his pocket, decides to lay it precariously in her trashbin, and smiles at his own handiwork before following riley down the stairs.

_Wait until something terrible has happened and you can’t not tell her anymore. Wait until she almost gets hit by a car crossing Wabash against the light and after you are done cursing at the shit-for-brains cab drivers in this city, realize you are actually just terrified of living without her. Tell her with your hands shaking._

> if zay wasn't a gentleman, he may have sworn a blue streak when riley opened the door on new year's eve. instead, he bites his lip and inhales sharply.  
> "it's not too much, is it?" she asks, giving a little spin.  _it_ is a tight black dress, higher than anything he's ever seen riley in, and a pair of black boots, probably because it's dusting snow outside.   
> "no," zay manages, "no, it's really nice, riley. it looks - you look - " he's at a loss for words and she grins.  
> "okay," she murmurs, and zay lays a hand on her waist. "okay," he repeats, and she blushes pink and pretty, her cheeks glinting with highlighter as they catch the light.  
> "okay!" shouts mr. matthews, across the room, and they abruptly and awkwardly shuffle apart. riley grabs her coat and a ponytail of curls sweep across her shoulders. zay's tongue pokes from between his teeth as he grins and riley fumbles trying to put on her coat.  
> he helps her and she mumbles an _i love you_ in thanks. zay offers her his arm and his own  _i love you_ , and mrs. matthews grins proudly from the other side of the couch as they open the door.  
> the family (minus auggie, deemed too young for a midnight gathering) pile into the matthews' car, and zay and riley hold hands the whole way there. it doesn't help zay's heart, skipping every other beat, when they finally get inside, and riley's coat comes falling off her shoulders. the dress comes to light again and zay takes a breath.   
>  _remember_ , he tells himself, _to breathe_.  
>  it's hard to, though, when riley is beaming like an angel and sweeping across the tiled floor, shining under the lights.  
> they dance and they talk and they greet other lawyers like good +1's of mrs. matthews, and a couple hours in, around eleven pm, zay offers to go get riley and her mom drinks. both women grin and thank him before he even heads off - he salutes the pair and chuckles.  
> it's while he's in line that zay remembers that riley is a pretty girl at a mixer with other boys. he stiffens watching her smile at something some young guy, lucas like in stature but farkle like in ability to pick up girls, says, but stays his course, wanting to return with drinks for both the matthews.   
> the guy leans an arm against riley, pressing his jacketed shoulder to her bare one, and zay wants to scream.  
>  _she loves me_ , he tells himself, but there's something about the way riley entertains the guy, standing beside her at the table for far too long, that makes him ache.  
> he finally gets to the front of the line and grabs two drinks - and a water bottle for himself - and slides them all across the table as he returns.  
> riley looks up to meet his eyes and crooks her finger his way.  
> he follows, because she's riley and that's how this whole thing works.  
> when he arrives at her side, riley drapes her arm around his waist and leans in to his side, like she's trying to establish how close they are emotionally by showing it physically.  
> the guy lifts his hand away from her and zay smiles politely. "how do you do," he says, "zay babineaux." they shake hands and the guy offers a name - steve or john or something, zay doesn't process it so much, and then, he feels a tug on his shirt.  
> he looks toward riley and she catches him in a searing kiss, rolling her fingertips down his shirt like she's straightening it out.  
> when they break apart, brad or joe or whatever taps zay on the shoulder and says something like  _nice girl you got there, dude_ , which is a complete misunderstanding of the whole situation, zay thinks.  
> he doesn't  _have_ riley at all. they've got equal holds on each other, and if that kiss is anything to go by, riley matthews wears the pants in his relationship.  
> but he smiles and nods until pete or kevin or whatever walks away, and riley, grinning proudly, fixes his tie.  
> he thinks his hands are shaking.  
> he thinks he'll never be able to fully get a hold on what being with riley matthews really means, but he thinks he's okay with that.  
> it's a little scary to know at seventeen that you want to feel this comfortable forever, but zay thinks back to watching that guy flirt with riley and thinks  _i truly can't live without this weirdo._  
>  "he kept  _looking_ at me," she says, pained, and zay hums thoughtfully while riley continues to fiddle. "he kept looking, and in my head, i was like,  _self_ -  _self_ , where's zay? how come this stupid boy is looking at you with his stupid face, and isaiah hank babineaux is not looking at you with his not stupid face?"  
> "i was getting drinks," zay chides, but it's a smile on his face and he wraps riley closer to him.   
> "i wanted you to be here," riley hesitates, but continues, "and i want you to keep being here. is that okay?"  
> "depends," zay mumbles, "for how long?"  
> "for... a really long time. okay?"  
> zay nods. "really okay."

_Say it deliberately, your tongue a springboard for every syllable. Over coffee, brushing your teeth side-by-side, as you turn off the light to go to sleep – it doesn’t matter where. Do not adorn it with extra words like “I think” or “I might.” Do not sigh heavily as if admitting it were a burden instead of the most joyous thing you’ve ever done. Look her in the eyes and pray, heart thumping wildly, that she will turn to you and say, “I love you too.”_

> it might be luck or coincidence or fate that zay and riley both decide to take the subway into nyu every day.  
> zay decides to think it's riley's stubborn attitude that has her taking care of her little brother every afternoon and staying in her childhood bedroom every night, but for him, he doesn't really know.  
> one day, he's on the matthews' couch and bemoaning a long ride in the next morning, when riley suggests it.  
> "why don't you just get an apartment? a close one?"  
> zay laughs. "really, sugar? and who would want to be  _my_ roomate?"  
> riley hums, stretches her legs across his. "lots of people. me, for one."  
> zay freezes. "riley, did you just ask me to move in with you?"  
> she nods, very slowly. "i think i did."  
> "do you...?"  
> "i think...?"  
> zay switches positions so she's against him instead of across him and cards his hands through her hair, gentle and happy, and riley considers a little longer. "i mean, why wouldn't i want to live with you? i could kiss you every day, and i could share a bed with you that i haven't slept in since i was six, and... oh my god, zay? i think i really want to move in with you?"  
> he grins.  
> "really?" he teases, poking a little longer at her, "you want to live with me? and build a whole new space just for us, and have our own bedroom, and get a nice little garden thing going on the fire escape, and build our own memories in a place we own?" he starts in on a braid. "you  _really_ want that?"  
> "holy shit," riley murmurs, "zay, i  _really_ want that?" she doesn't sound like she can believe it herself, sounds excited and thrumming with energy even though she stays still on his lap. "zay," she says slowly, "do you remember the first message you ever left me?"  
> zay groans. "yeah, i do. it was  _awful_ , sugar. i was out of it and lucas convinced me."  
> "i don't regret it." riley replies, instantly, "and i hope you don't either."  
> "never." he tells her, sure and steady.  
> "good. do you, do you remember, how you said," she gets slowly back on track, "how you said,  _i think it'd be super cool if you'd let me stay for a while. a long while._ "  
> he didn't, in fact, remember this, but zay thought it was adorable that she did, leaning her head back and biting her lip. she takes his lack of answer as cue to go on.  
> "well, i - i _want_ you to stay. for a long, long while. forever, maybe. so maybe, yeah, i do want to move in together, and maybe i have a pinterest board of our wedding even if we've never talked about it, and maybe i tell all my college friends about my  _cool, awesome boyfriend_ who i had this massive crush on for a while, and maybe i'd like to grow up to talk about my  _cool, awesome husband_ and maybe i'm rambling, but i don't want you to go away, okay? ever. you're... you're stuck with me, isaiah hank babineaux."  
> riley's ramble might be the best thing zay has ever heard. "you have a secret pinterest board?" he asks, and she blushes.   
> "shut up."  
> "shutting up. and staying. forever."  
> "mhm."  
> "we'll look at apartments tomorrow?" he asks, hardly believing that he can.   
> "yes, we will." riley replies, interlacing their hands. "i love you."  
> "i love you too."


End file.
